BODY LANGUAGE

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Nederlands.

The language everyone speaks

The silent language of LOVE.

"It was love at first sight"

Many couples, young and old alike, will say this when they are asked about their first meeting. But what is it that attracts us so much during this first contact with the other person? If you ask those in love, you will often get answers such as:

'I liked the way she looked at me'
'he just had something about him'
'it just seemed right'

What exactly clicked and why, what happens between boys and girls in a western society is something many people are interested in. . Who would not want to know what he/she could do to gain somebody's love or attention?

Is it what we say?

Most of the time it is not the words that are spoken that make our hearts beat faster. For nearly all of us talking about our deeper feelings is often very hard, even more so at a very first meeting. But do not worry! Through our posture, facial expression, eyes we show more of our feelings and intentions than we realise. Words can even get in the way of the connection we already are making with our body language. This is why a noisy disco where you can hardly hear each other can be a perfect place for a first meeting. Our bodies do the talking for us!

It's the combination.

The first thing we notice from others is the way they look, walk, stand, move and talk. Books on body-language use words such as posture, distance, time, facial expression, eye contact, breathing and intonation to say the same thing. It is not one thing on its own but the combination that plays such an important role in the attraction to each other. You have to be congruent in the expression of yourself. Your Romeo or Juliet will notice you more when the whole of you speaks the language of love.

THE DANCE OF SEDUCTION:
Watch that belly!

A body slumped like a pudding is not attractive to anyone. Unconsciously a man will pull his tummy in and straighten his back when he wants to make an impression. A woman will do something similar. She will tighten her muscles and pull her shoulders backwards. To show your interest further and begin the dance of seduction, you might put your hands on your hips or put your thumbs behind your belt if you are a man. If you are a woman you may change the way you stand or lean with your hand against one hip. At this point in time there is still distance between each other. This distance usually stays for a while before we get closer and than we adjust our body-language to the new distance.

The look of love.

If you are making eyes at someone, hold that look for a bit longer than you normally would but not too much longer. Look at the other, than look down or away and than look back again. This lets him or her know you are interested. When the other looks back at you, look a bit longer than the first time. If he or she is still keeping in contact, bingo! you are on your way. In the meantime we might adjust our clothes, our hair or play with a glass or something in our hands. In this early connection, a look that lingers too long or when you stare has the opposite effect, do not gawk! The exchange of looks between two lasts as long as is needed until one of the two takes the next step of the seduction dance.

With a little help of a friend.

A girl will often be in the company of a girlfriend when she meets someone to whom she is attracted or who is attracted to her. She may say to her friend: "He's looking at me!". The girlfriend will than also look at the guy, first because she is curious and second to make sure her friend is not imagining things. If she likes him as well things can get complicated but let us say she is just helping her friend. If she than looks at the guy in a friendly manner, it easier for him to move a bit closer toward them. As he does that, he will have to say something. However, what he says is less important. A lot of young men worry about a good 'opening sentence' . More important than what he says however is how he says it. If you can be self assured, with a calm voice and an open, friendly expression on your face, great. If that is difficult because you are shy or something, do the best you can as long as you make an effort to look friendly. When you speak look her in the eye with a smile and do not forget to look briefly at the girlfriend as well. When she answers while giggling and looking at her girlfriend, quickly look down, then look at her body and back in her eyes again. Look from one eye into the other fast. She doesn't exactly know why, but she knows for sure:'He is cute and he thinks I'm cute as well!'

Getting closer.

For a girl who wants to take the initiative, the next step of the seduction dance after that first look will be as diverse as there are girls. The situation will also have an influence as will the opinion of her girlfriend. Girls, you have the advantage that you have practised this since you were a small girl so follow your intuition and you will be right! As for the guys, most likely you will continue to talk while you turn your feet and shoulders more and more in her direction. Slowly he closes the distance, moving near her personal space. Nearly automatically you will begin to breathe at the same frequency as the girl and copy her way of speaking. Just hope she does not speak a language you do not know! The girl will begin to take on a similar body-position and starts to focus her attention more toward the guy. Sorry girlfriend, but you know that soon you will be one too many! We are seeing true "love at first sight" in action here. As he continues to make small talk, he slowly turns towards her more and more. So much so that the girl and him nearly form a closed circle. At this point the girlfriend may leave or begin a conversation with someone else. This is the signal for the guy to get even closer to the girl and maybe as much as right into her personal space. If you do it relatively slow you will be able to read her body-language and perhaps know intuitively what to do. If not, try reading this page a few times and practising a bit.

That first touch.

Guys please, do not begin to touch with your hands! Far too obvious. You will be a lot more appreciated if you learn to be more subtle. Touch her as "by accident". With an elbow as you adjust your body-position closer to her, with your foot, or with the back of your hand as you reach her a glass or something.Touching a girl with your hands too early does not show much respect. You also may be in danger of receiving such a strong reaction from her that all your progress is lost. Remember, a guy has to prevent failure and always has to have a way out. So with each touch, notice her reaction and if she pulls back, you can lean backwards again and end the contact without feeling like a total fool. If she approves the touch she will not pull back and that is the signal that you can make the next step of the seduction dance. This step is another small and subtle one. For instance, when the guy and the girl sit together he can 'accidentally' touch her knees with his knees. Or if at a bar, he can stretch his arm over the bar toward her. This way he can almost touch her with his hand. When they sit on a couch, he could put his arm on it, also without touching her. Guys, if she doesn't move away, touch her clothes with your fingertips and gradually increase the pressure, so she can feel your touch. With all touching a general rule can be followed. If she does not pull away, you can move closer and increase the touching. It is also a good idea to keep on talking and you might say some nice things to each other as well!

The magic of the first kiss.

If our girl still doesn't resist him, looks at him with shining eyes and lets him know by her whole body-language that it is ok to continue, he can begin to draw her into his arms. Slowly does it! Meanwhile look each other deeper into the eyes. By both your pupils will be wide open and quickly go from the left to the right eye. Your breathing speeds up and the conversation slows down. Do not talk too much just because you are nervous and excited and do not pay much attention to what you both are saying. Many such moments have been spoiled by prattling on. Now at this point both girl and guy are sure that they will kiss each other, and so it is very exciting. Slowly their faces will come closer and they will shut their eyes before their lips touch.

Here we will leave our excited couple in love. They need a bit of privacy!
The dance of seduction and its different steps are a good example that it is not one single signal but the combination of all the body signals that make up the body-language and contribute to that first contact. Of course the details can be different. The girlfriend could have been absent, the first contact could have taken place in a park or at a sports club. Whatever the situation though, the body-language and the importance of it remains the same everywhere and in all situations.

Long time lovers.

"We are not in that -love at first sight- stage anymore, we now are loving each other in another way". This is what a couple that has been together for years answers when asked about their love. They don't walk hand in hand anymore but arm in arm. They don't always sit on the couch together any more but also have their own favourite chair. Still they say that they haven't grown apart, on the contrary; they have drawn closer to one another. Others confirm that: "Those two? They belong together!" We saw that new lovers mirror each others body-language. With the couple that has been together for years, it has become something that is second nature. They often walk the same way, look at people and things the same way. Watch this when you see people who have been together for a long time.

text: Frank van Marwijk.
translation: Josje v/d Steen
© Bodycom Lichaamscommunicatie, The Netherlands